This is my Father’s World

The day I found out I was pregnant, I went straight from the clinic to a store to get myself some cashew nuts (just because I love nuts), with the thought that I need extra nutrition now that I have a life I’m responsible for. Of course, I went on to have a big lunch, and for the next 8 months, plenty of big lunches, breakfasts, dinners and snacks. Oh, one of the wonderful things about being pregnant is that one could eat up a whole truck load of food each meal and not feel guilty. Then, there are other changes, e.g. I got super paranoid (yes, it’s possible to be MORE paranoid than I normally am) and extra careful in everything.

Nature’s maternal instinct? Perhaps. As a mom, I want to shield my child from anything harmful. I want to give him my best and my all. I wish I could live forever to take care of him. Of course, I know he will grow up, and I hope he’ll find someone who loves him to death and whom he loves to spend the rest of his life. Yet, my protection, my love, anyone else’s love . . . all these are but human efforts, and hence inadequate. That’s why my wish for Little Xuanie is that he will be a man after God’s heart, and favored by God and man. For only God is the real anchor in this tumultous sea of life.

The sermon I heard today reminded me again of the most fundamental truth one must hold on to. Genesis 1:1 – In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. This is my Father’s world. If we are of God, there’s nothing to fear in this world. “He who did not spare His own Son but delievered Him up for us all, how shall He not also freely give us all things?” (Rom 8:32). I cannot live forever to take care of Little Xuanie. Little Xuanie will grow up and move on to spheres where I am not capable of helping him except to pray for him and offer moral support. But, with God, there’s nothing to fear. Which is why I hope you’ll always always hold on to God and be true to Him. God bless. Puss.

As an aside: Here’s one of my favorite songs. I like to think it speaks of my father’s love for me, for he loves me and gives me his all. It’s now my song for Little X.

曲名：风雨无阻  

歌手：周华健

 

给你我的全部 
你是我今生唯一的赌注 
只留下一段岁月 
让我无怨无悔
全心的付出 
怕你忧伤 怕你哭 
怕你孤单 怕你糊涂 
红尘千山万里路
我可以朝朝暮暮 

 

 

给你一条我的路 
你是我一生不停的脚步 
让我走出一片天空 
让你尽情飞舞 放心的追逐 
爱是漫长的旅途 
梦有快乐 梦有痛苦 
悲欢离合人间路 
我可以缝缝补补

 

 

提着昨日种种千辛万苦 
向明天换一些 美满和幸福 
爱你够不够多 对你够不够好 
可以要求 不要不在乎 
不愿让你看见 我的伤处 
是曾经无悔的风雨无阻 
拥有够不够多 梦得够不够好 
可以追求 不认输

Mumm Mumm

Many people, especially mothers, have told me Xuanie is really mature for his age. Way before his first birthday, he was already making up his own sign system to communicate with me. At 18 months, he definitely understands 90% of all that I say to him. Being with him, I don’t feel as if I am with a toddler. He’s like a friend. He makes jokes with the few monosyllabic words he can produce, with plenty of gestures. A friend watches our intereaction and says there’s so much telepathy between us.

“Mumm mumm” and with the mouth going “puck, puck” is Xuanie’s way of telling me he wants to eat something. This morning, he rejected the Singaporean style carrot cake I made him (oh, what’s new!). I was having Kim Chee cabbage with the carrot cake, and surprise, surprise, Xuanie loves Kim Chee!!! He would point to his tongue and go “la la” (“spicy” in Mandarin) but kept nodding his head and pointing to the Kim Chee in my bowl. He’s definitely an Asian baby. His favorite food is plain white rice.

New toy

If anyone ever reads my blog, I would be embarrassed that I am writing so many posts in one day. I should go to bed now. This new toy is fun!

Skinnamarinky dinky dink

Skinnamarinky dinky dink, Skinnamarinky doo,
I love you;
Skinnamarinky, dinky dink, Skinnamarinky doo,
I love you.
I love you in the morning and in the afternoon.
I love you in the evening and underneath the moon.
Skinnamarinky dinky dink, Skinnamarinky doo,
I love you.

I sing this to Xuanie so so often, looking at him, smiling at him, holding him close. I don’t remember when I last sang a song to someone with this much heartfelt joy.

Diary of the baby

I know many moms write diaries about their babies, when the first smile happens, what the first word is and so on and so forth. I always wonder if anyone ever looked into whether moms write the most about their firstborn, and subsequent children are somehow not given that kind of attention that comes from novelty. I have heard that in most families, firstborns have more pics taken of them as infants and toddlers than their younger siblings.

Anyways. I have only one (maybe for now??), but I just never got around to noting down the many details of Xuanie’s developmental milestones. Once, when a friend was showing me her baby diary, and prodding me to get started on mine, I skeptically thought to myself that years down the road, who really cares. The baby grows up, and will have his grown-up interests, reckoned as more interesting than when he had his first bite of solid food.

Nevertheless, in my heart, I always thought there are so many words that I wanted to tell little X., and words that I hope he’d read about and know that he is greatly loved, and that when God brought him into this world, God sent him as a little Santa Claus, bringing immense joy and happiness to many, not least one little mom who has not much else to pride herself on.

Ah, so little X., someday, when you get to read and understand this, do know that you are so important to this world, for God sent you as a messenger of great joy. Indeed, you do so many things, yes, even as a little infant/toddler, that makes me feel I don’t deserve such kindness and blessing from God. (Detailed illustrations shall follow ….)

It hurts

Today, little X. bumped his head. I saw it coming but was too slow to react.

Each time you bump your head or get hurt, my heart goes through a tight wrenching. I would rather all your pains and hardships, now and in the future, be upon me instead.

In search of happiness . . .

One of my best friends, D. emailed me today, and here’s a line from that email: “I’m glad you are feeling so positive. It’s not like you, but it’s still good.” Yea, I gotta learn to be happy, because I have so many reasons to be.

One other best friend, S. and I always joke about me being her safta, a true blooded Polish-Jewish-Woman who is critical and paranoid and full of complaints. If you’re Jewish, you probably know what I mean.

I am blogging!

I can’t believe I am attempting to blog. I love reading others’ blogs, to the extent of being construed as a stalker. I have for the longest time wanted to leave my thoughts, feelings and encounters in print. But, I hate to actually write with a pen, as typing on a keyboard comes by more easily for me, and I am not good with keeping track of documents in my computer. One motivator to blog comes from the one big love in my life, for I want him to know the many wonderful thoughts I have of him, that when he grows up, my blogs can be a source of strength, comfort and guidance for him to walk life’s path and always holding on to the Lord Jesus, the most important One in life.