Tick bite

Discovered a tick at the back of Xuanie’s right knee tonight. Don’t know how long the tick has been on him. Full of self-reproach for not checking him more frequently enough (not even daily!!!). How could I?? Of course, I am going crazy trying to read up on the Lyme disease and any other possible diseases.

And, of course, I prayed. Anyone else reading this, please say a little prayer for a kind little boy who does not even know what a tick is. Thanks.

(And, I need to learn to have better faith and trust in God, and prove my faith by being more relaxed and at peace.)

Heart outside of one’s body

D. shared in an email today a quote from a mutual friend: until (you) have kids (you) wouldn’t understand what it’s like to have your heart outside of your body. There’s so much to this statement.

I remember saying that I am always feeling all strung up because of the baby – his perpetual refusal of food, his safety, his physical, emotional growth etc etc. My father-in-law told me that I can expect to be stressed out at least for the next 25 years, if not for the rest of my life, about Xuanie. Ah, is that what being a parent is about?

Every parent deals with life, copes with life differently, and hence, expresses love for the children differently. But, I believe that most parents genuinely love their own offsprings. Sometimes, they may not be perfect. I am not perfect daughter myself, nor do I dare profess to be happy with the way my parents are. Sometimes, I wonder what Xuanie will think of me when he is older. Naggy mom, crazy neurotic mom, wise mom, loving mom ….???? Whatever it is, I hope to be of benefit to him, within God’s favor, of course. I won’t be able to be with him all his life. If things goes as nature usually has it, I will go before him. But, I hope that these years that I am with him on earth will do him good, while I am with him, and extended to after I am gone.

I prayed for X. even before he was born. I still pray for many things for him, but most importantly that he will be a man after God’s heart, to always obey God and love God, and be loved and preserved in return. 

P.S. – A Chinese love song, which I thought applies a lot to a parent’s love. Though a parent often cannot be with the child all his/her lifetime, it is a love worthy of (almost everything?)

就值得了愛

千里的路　若是只能　陪你風雪一程
握你的手　前塵後路　我都不問
荒涼人世　聚散離分　誰管情有多真
茫茫人海　只求擁有　真心一份

就值得了愛　就值得了等
就算從此你我紅塵兩分
我不怨緣份　我只願你能
記住陪了你天涯的人
就不枉青春　就不枉此生
那怕水裡火裡一場愛恨
愛不了一生　夢不能成真
也要讓痴心隨你飛奔

X.’s learning

Today, during lunch break at church, X. stepped into a deep puddle of murky water while trying to pick up some sticker he spotted. I had told him not to. He got his shoes and socks wet, of course. I nagged and nagged at him as I took them off. He was even smiling and waving to other church members that passed by. Walking back to the chapel barefooted, he was grinning all the way. I believe he didn’t quite get why I was so upset, and he thought walking barefooted was a game.

Why do I make life miserable for a little baby sometimes by nagging and speaking harshly to him, when half the time, he has no clue what he did wrong, and the other half, he was terribly saddened or frightened by my anger? I need to be more gentle and sweet . . . and just relax and let him be the baby that he is.

Yet, at times, he seems to learn his lessons. I have tried to toilet train him. He would run off when I take off his diaper and purposely pee outside of the potty, laugh and run off again. I punish him by locking myself in the bathroom. It terrifies him that he can’t get to me. I used the same tactic once again when he refuses food and throws them on the floor. These past few mornings, upon waking me up, he would do the peeka-boo gesture, then shakes his head, points to the floor and twiddle his fingers. He got it, that he must not pee on the floor, nor throw food on the floor, or else Mama will hide and disappear.

Another lesson he’s picked up: when he gets into the elevator, he no longer pushes the emergency button, which is the only button low enough for him to reach. He still goes towards the button but each time, he points at it, shakes his pointer finger and his head to mean, no, no.

By the time he hit 18-months, almost overnight, he suddenly loves puzzles and could complete a lot of the puzzles we have in the house. He is thrilled to see himself on the video-cam playback, and keeps wanting me to film him doing puzzles.

I thank God for these wonderful moments spent with him.

(Of course, X. can be difficult. He’s not always an angel. I definitely don’t want to be like most American moms to always hail and praise their kids. And I don’t want to be the harsh and punishing Asian mom that always denigrate her children. Where/what is a good balance?)

Thunder and Lightning

Little Xuanie is still afraid of thunderstorms. In the Swedish DVDs he got from his grandma, there are a few (at least 3) ”Babars” episodes  with thunderstorms. He whines and gestures that he is scared, gets off his seat and wants me to turn the program off. He even had nightmares on those days he watched those DVDs. I am enforcing more censorship in the future.

He still talks about our encounter with the big-time thunderstorm 2 Sundays ago, using his self-created sign system and monosyllabic sounds. But, he’s less afraid these past few days. We’ve been experiencing short thunderstorms in the evenings this past week. Xuanie and I will sit by the window and watch for lightning, listen to thunders and imitate the wind howling and leaves rustling. Today, we even enjoyed a glimpse of a huge arch of rainbow. We went back and forth between the bedroom and living room windows. When the rainbow was gone, and we were out in the living room, he pointed and ran towards the bedroom, nodding his head, meaning to tell me the rainbow is there out by the bedroom window. Of course, in his little mind, he hasn’t got it. So cute.

He’s not afraid of thunderstorms when Mama is holding him. But, I told him the most important thing is to “dao gao” when he meets with any thunderstorm. Sometimes, he gets it and holds his hands together in prayer mode.

My little Xuanie, when you grow up, you must understand that God is the most reliable one who can calm the thunderstorms in your life. Always remember that, and turn to Him.

Goslings

I saw a huge family of goslings today. They stopped traffic, literally, as they were crossing the road with their moms and dads. I was first in line at the traffic light, and when the light turned green, I was worried that other drivers on the other side of the road would not stop for them. Well, everyone did. It’s nice to see how frenetic drivers actually are willing to stop for little ones.

With my camera hidden somewhere in my bag which was at the back seat, by the time I got to the camera, I managed to catch a picture only of the stragglers. By then, traffic had started to move. I let them cross, but wondered if other drivers stopped. I believe they did.

Bundles of joy for mothers

My experience as a pseudo-single mom makes me marvel at the strength of single moms. It’s not easy. But, when a mother knows that no help is coming ever from a spouse (him being non-existent), the survival spirit comes out in full. At least that’s what one single mom friend told me. It’s still tough, I know. On the other hand, a mother who actually has a husband may unfortunately face a even sadder situation. She has expectations of help from the husband, but often enough, reality and expectations don’t match up.

But above all else, single (pseudo or not) moms can always count on their little bundles of joy to cheer them up, and at the end of each day, they can go to bed with some lingering sweetness in their hearts.

I like to look at Xuanie’s pictures before I go to bed. And, to look at him and kiss him on his cheeks and lips as I lie down next to him. There’s so much joy in my heart. Reminds me that God has sent me sweetness though days may sometimes be dreary.

If ever you get to read this someday, know that you are such a precious little gift from God for me. As I always say, you are a little big present from God, to mama.

 

Ladies’ man?

A friend of B. is convinced that Xuanie will be a lady-killer. As his mom, I think I know him well enough, if not best, so I would say, “Nah!” That said, I have to confess that Xuanie is partial towards girls in playgroups. He hardly ever fights with them or snatches their toys, always waiting his turn if he wants a toy that a girl is playing with. He has however, been in a few tussles with other boys, in fact, I think I have offended one mom, who has since one incident, repeatedly say that Xuanie can get rough :-0 I like to think that it is a feedback effect. Girls he hangs out with often are gentle and quiet. The boys he plays with are themselves rough and tough, all older than him.

One of the boys in his playgroup hit another girl today, and was punished in front of everyone by his mom. That sets all other moms discussing how to discipline kids. I haven’t figured out what best method I should use with Xuanie. I just know I have to remind myself to not channel nor vent any ill-sentiments I have onto him, no matter what (I might have done so before). Punishment-Reinforcement have to be done for behavioral improvement, not as an outlet for anger.

 

True faith in God

Daniel 3:16 – 18 has always been a favorite section of the Bible – ” . . . our God whom we serve is able to deliver us . . . But if not, let it be known to you, O King, that we do not serve your gods, nor will we worship the gold image which you have set up.” Faith in God is not just a belief, an experience. It is a decision to hold on to Him no matter what happens.

I hear testimonies of our church in Congo from recent sermons I downloaded online. Some of our brethren there have lost their homes, children, everything due to the recent civil war. There are some who are even living in refugee camps, more specifically, in a little tent provided by relief sources. Yet, they continue to believe in God and hold on to the faith.

In comparison, my life and those of most people living in peaceful domains, is a life of luxury. Yet, the littlest of “setbacks” can easily make us complain, frustrated and even dejected. I should feel ashamed of myself. I thought of how I got into another bout of “depression” just 2 days ago, indulging myself in a deep sense of failure and hopelessly devoid of gratitude for what I have. A psalm from today’s sermon serves as a good little nudge – Ps 42.

The true members in Congo set their hearts on God’s kingdom. Nothing in this world will shake them. It’s a very hard lesson for most people; definitely so for me. “Though the fig tree may not blossom, nor fruit be on the vine. Though the labor of the olive may fail, and the fields yield no food . . . Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.” To hope in God, and to find joy in Him alone – that’s the only way to help us get through any hardship in this world, without going astray from the true faith (Habakkuk 3:17 – 19).

Fathers are better?

There are times when I can’t help but think that fathers have the upper hand when it comes to a child’s love for his/her parents, especially if the mother is a full-time stay home mother and homemaker. Mothers are the ones who tire themselves out and yell/nag at the children in frustration etc etc. Fathers are always absent, and since absence makes the heart fonder, those rare moments spent with their children are often sweet ”kodak moments.” I have heard often of neurotic mothers, but seldom such negative comments about fathers.

It’s a challenge . . . wonder if there is research done on perceptions of moms versus of dads.

Xuanie & thunderstorm

Last Sunday, Xuanie and I were caught in a major thunderstorm. Lightnings flashing, thunders roaring and rain pouring down like we were at the bottom of a waterfall. The wind was so powerful that our crossover SUV was shaking even though we were stationary.

This is now X’s favorite story to tell. He’d go “car,” nods his head, points behind his back (i.e. backward in time), moves his body from side to side, and then waves his hands in the air to imitate wind-blowing. He tells this story at least 5 times a day, and everytime he sees leaves rustling in the wind, or reads a book about cars, clouds or almost anything.

Today, we were on campus briefly. When I was in the computer lab, X. kept saying ”pa pa” for that’s where he’s seen his papa worked in front of a computer terminal.