Living for the child

A friend of mine has leukemia. I pray for her almost every prayer. Her son is not even 3 yet. My heart goes out to the family not just because she’s a super wonderful church sister, but also because my heart aches to even think of the child having to grow up without a mom in the event that her condition worsens. I know she is taking it all so so well, but I am anxious for her, because I am a mom too.

We have many reasons to want to continue living. There’s much beauty in this world, this life, albeit all the drudgery and all. One big reason for parents to grit their teeth and hang in there is their children. This is also beautiful.

I sometimes think that it’s a stupid thing to procreate. First, babies come to you like a vegetable that demands you to lose sleep and sometimes health (and definitely your figure/body if you’re the mother). Then they grow and drive you crazy with their tantrums and needs and demands. Finally, they grow up and they leave you to pursue their own lives . . . nevertheless, we love our children, willing to die for them, and living for them.

Maybe that’s the beauty and meaning of unconditional love? Still learning . . .

Pic of X.

Some pics

Thought to insert some pics to make this blog a little more colorful.

More patience needed

Xuanie no longer comes up to kiss me as an apology or to appease me when I get mad and “yell” at him. Instead, if I sound too harsh, he keeps very quiet, or he laughs about it and mimics me with “wah, wah, ya, ya, ya” sounds.

I have this inclination towards becoming a naggy mom that loses her temper often. I don’t want that to happen. It’s not good for the emotional development of Xuanie.

(And, especially after all the sleep deprivation and thousands of diapers I have been changing him, besides the many other hard work and sacrifices I have made, I want to be a mom loved and respected by my baby. Not someone neurotic or annoying that he wants to avoid.)

To be kind-hearted

I gave Xuanie some star-shaped potato chips, in onion & sour cream flavor, that are his favorite. Although he had quite a few pieces of them sitting on the table in front of him, he went to his grandma, dragged her into the kitchen and pointed at the cabinet above the fridge, asking for more. He then came back with the bag, and with a wide smile, wanted everyone else at the table to have some chips. He’s a sweet one, no?

Xuanie has a good heart. He gets upset when he sees injuries (even just minor cuts) on others. He never gets angry at people. He gets angry, but always about the matter, not with people involved. If you take away a toy he cares about, he will want it back, but he bears no anger towards you even as he tries to get it back. I recently saw a baby of Xuanie’s age scrowling at his mother when the mom took a bite of his ice-ceam. I hope Xuanie will never become an angry person. I hope he’ll always be a good-hearted person.

God has been kind to me, in many different ways. With Xuanie, I remember praying for a baby with a good heart/spirit. So far, Xuanie has been a very kind baby. God is great to me. May He help me to bring Xuanie up to be a man of beautiful spirit.

Motherhood makes one a better person

I receive online bulletins from various baby web-sites. Today, I got one entitled “7 Ways your Toddler will Surprise you.” One of the ways include “Your child will make you a better person.” Yes, the baby is watching you. What you do becomes standards for him/her.

Being a mother definitely brings out virtues in me that I never had. I often hear mothers say their temper has become softer with all the training in patience from the baby. I still get angry and stressed out at least a few times a day, but there are things I endure that I never thought I would ever do.

The list of things I have done can go very long but I don’t want my blog to become a voyeuristic glamorizing of how great *I think* of myself as a mother. I guess it suffices to share one sentence I said to B. when Xuanie was just a couple of months old. Xuanie makes me love like I never did before. Yes, having him brings out sentiments and actions that I never ever had. It’s beautiful. I thank God for motherhood, and for Xuanie.

Motherhood might be my chance to be the better person I should be. Gotta work harder and be more conscious of my actions and words.

One funny aside: I actually had a dream about turd burgers once!! Yea, from all the changing of diapers. I had another turd dream 2 days ago, this time I was holding Xuanie’s poop in one hand and trying to keep his diaper up with another. It’s from my worry that he might be constipated. I can be as neurotic/obsessive a mom as I am as a person. My mind is constantly at work thinking if Xuanie has enough iron, calcium, Vit. A to Z etc. I look at his poop everytime to see what is digested and what is not, if everything is good . . .

Berry love

Yesterday, I sneaked out for a 5 min walk, when mom-in-law was keeping Xuanie distracted at the backyard. It turned out to be some 20 min before I got back, because I saw blueberries spring up on the rocks outside some of the neighbors’ homes. And, blueberry picking is probably one BIG reason for me to spend summer in Sweden.

Today, I went to the forests to pick my first bag of blueberries. On my way there, I saw a little plot bursting with wild strawberries, right outside a neighbor’s house. And, this morning, I picked some early raspberries and it’s a sign for me that they are on their way!! To the Swedes, I am probably someone who’s losing contact with the mothership, a.k.a. losing my mind. To someone like me, it’s crazy not to pick the berries lying outside one’s house. To them, it’s just not a la mode anymore; it’s something for the great-grandparents, anyone past 80 years of age.

Whenever I see these berries, my thought is, they are bursting in full bloom, shouting out “please pick me!” I feel like I’m some rich man going to an orphanage looking to adopt a child, and all the kids come up to me trying to impress me, to take them home with me. For me, picking these berries is my way of telling nature I appreciate her gifts. So, every berry is important to me. I don’t allow myself to trample on any fruit, and I do my best to pick as many as I can, because they wither away pretty fast.

It’s always soothing to my soul when I’m in the forests. These berries can be inspirational. Last year, B. and I discovered a small valley hidden, by the edge of a cliff, and it was bursting with blueberries. Even B. who does not care much about them said that it’s such a delight to see them, and we called it “blueberry paradise.” The ones that are off the beaten tracks are the best ones (not surprising). These berries bloom year after year, not knowing if anyone will ever appreciate them, or even realize their existence. I thought there’s a lesson for me as a Christian. A lot of being a child of God is to do what we have to do, to glorify His name, and keep our spirits pure, regardless of whether we are being seen and appreciated. I realize it’s not easy, because it means guarding our thoughts, our hearts, every bit of ourselves, 24/7.

Delayed linguistically et al.

Xuanie is turning 20-months tomorrow. He’s not speaking yet. He produces single-syllable sounds, attempts to make dipthongs and double-syllables, but no, nothing close to what some parents boast about their 16, 17-month olds and their “4-word sentences” etc. I would be worried if I didn’t know of research that shows delays in linguistic abilities of children from multi-lingual environments. Little Xuanie has to cope with 3 languages. Whenever I watch Swedish programs with him, I have no clue what the story is about, and half the time, I wonder if Xuanie is even getting anything in, but he definitely enjoys the movies. To learn a language from ground zero must be hard. How children eventually figure things out and become fluent speakers is a miracle of God’s doing.

Anyways, Xuanie continues to mix languages, and “flowers,” which was “flow-er” to him at 14-months is now “Fl-ua” (a mix of “Flower” and “Hua” in Mandarin).

It’s my wish for him to be fluent in at least the 3 languages in the family/environment. Whether he ultimately succeeds as a native speaker of all 3, we’ll see (fingers crossed).

Meanwhile, he continues to be a sweet boy, with some terrible two-s symptoms showing up. He still likes to feed me, because I always feed him. He continues to help me put on my shoes after I am done with putting his on. Yesterday, I told him to “sit under the umbrella” when we were out in the backyard. The sun was coming down at an angle, so I actually meant for him to sit under the shade. Immediately, he went to sit under the pole of the umbrella, which was still out in the sun. But, he takes my words so literally, so seriously, sometimes.

I cut my finger while cooking yesterday. When Xuanie saw the band-aid, he went crazy. He kept sticking out his finger to me, crying. I kept trying to console him and kiss his finger, thinking he hurt himself. It was not until we sat down to eat that he grabbed my finger and cried that I realized he was worried for me.

On vacation

Nothing too new to blog, but since I have free time, I thought to pen down some random little things:

* Haven’t been doing much except picking wild strawberries around the neighborhood of my in-laws’ house. I went to the forest yesterday to check on the wild blueberries. Some are ripe, but most of them will be ready in about 1.5 weeks (I hope). It’s a nice relaxing vacation. Xuanie loves the outdoors. We go to check on our family canoe almost everyday, waiting for papa to have time to go boating with us. He loves the forests, running and skipping across rocks and big tree-roots with ease.

* Someone I know has got a promotion, in government service. Friends are saying she’s the prime minister of Singapore. Yes, if she does not go ahead with her plans to quit her job once her contract is over, she may well become the first female prime minister of Singapore.

Whenever I get news of people like her, I have to admit to myself that I am not a stay-home mom because I “CHOSE” to be one. Yes, I chose to stay home for Xuanie. But, it’s a lot of other factors, not least the fact that I am not capable enough to overcome the difficulties of my current situation that prevent me from going out to get a job that I really would be happy to hold. I know the many potential economic pitfalls of women staying home. I also know that research is split on how much benefit young children get from stay-home moms. There are just too many variables to have any general conclusions.

I wish I were more capable, not just on paper, but to actually have the capability to hold a high-flying job, to be a “successful” woman as conventional wisdom today have it. Alas, I wish . . .