Xuanie’s having a hard time @ daycare

Xuanie tries very hard in the mornings to hold back his tears. He would brush his pointer finger down his cheeks and shake his head (meaning he should not cry). This morning, he said, “Mama go” when I dropped him off. He even waved his hand to say bye-bye. But, the moment I was outside the classroom, I heard him wailing away.

I know there are good reasons to send him to daycare, to learn some socialization, to “make some friends,” to learn some structure, sing songs??????? But, I wonder what damage we might be inflicting on him with all this trauma. He’s still very little. He’s not even two yet. He’s been with mama almost every second of his life since he was 6 months old, when he was cognizant of things around him.

Many kids simply love school when they turn 3 or 4. The transition from being home with mom to school is always much easier. For tiny Xuanie, I really wonder if there’s more detriment than benefit . . . anyone knows of research out there in this arena?

Of course, being a mom who’s also a wife and a daughter-in-law means some decisions have to be made with consideration of the input and “strong encouragement” (ahem!!!) from one’s husband and mom-in-law. Even decisions that break a mother’s heart. 

(P.S. – It’s a very good daycare that we’re sending him to. Not one of those dubious ones where the kids look subdued, un-naturally or teachers looked like they want out. The daycare’s not the problem. Although: yesterday, he came home with a wound on his right ear, some scratch and redness. I don’t want to complain, because you know, he’s going to be there and unpopular parents may mean their kids may not be popular with the teachers. Ah, all the politics of daycare!)

Little teaser, little happy one

X. is funny, when with people he feels comfortable with. Even before turning one, he already knew how to tease others. He would hold up some pieces of food and pretend to offer it to a person, only to draw his hand back when the person opens his/her mouth. Then he would laugh or smile.

Nowadays, he likes to associate me with big “scary” creatures. Each time we pass by the Peabody Musuem at Yale, where there’s a big sculpture of a dinosaur by the front, he would say, “mama!” And, when watching “Finding Nemo,” he would point to Bruce the shark and say “mama” and then break into a big grin.

I would say he’s a happy baby. I have seen many cute babies, but I have also found out that cuteness alone is not enough to make one charming or likeable. It is the same with adults. Happy people are usually the most attractive people. I know Xuanie is a happy baby. I hope he’ll always be happy/positive.

I need to be careful not to say or do things to him that may contribute to him growing up unhappy.

Xuanie’s first school report

Xuanie did good. The teachers said he was sad from time to time, but was always able to be consoled. The only time was when he woke up from his mid-day nap, and the teacher had to call me to go in early to pick him up. But as we were leaving, he hugged all his three teachers, and gave them a smile. They called him a little muffin, and I hope he has charmed their hearts.

I asked him if he liked school and he sure did. I asked if he cried, and he said “no.” (Of course he did, a little.) He was famished and thirsty when we picked him up. Otherwise, all is good.

I think he’s a strong little boy, to be able to regulate emotions at his age is not easy (go ask some adults, e.g. me!). Guess school is good for him.

Xuanie’s at the daycare

For the first time in 1.5 years, I am not with Xuanie. Suddenly, I have lots of time for myself and I don’t know what to do. Of course, I have things to do, lots. I just am not used to not having Xuanie by my side.

I hope he’s doing okay. Wonder if he ate lunch, wonder if he slept. I think I will go pick him up from school early. Miss him already.

Success? Happiness?

Met up with 2 girlfriends earlier today for lunch. Both are highly successful women, Ph.Ds, working in the financial sector. (Yes, still holding firmly to their jobs even with the financial crisis.) To me, they are in a league way above me. They know all about investing, about how the financial world functions, and their salaries are way above the combined income of most American families. Yet, they manage to find time to better themselves with all kinds of activities – taking financial exams, music classes, volunteering at musuems, brewing beer etc. etc.

Met up with another friend, a guy, for dinner. He commented that highly educated people don’t find happiness easily. Jobs don’t always satisfy, and we’re always looking for ways to make ourselves feel better. On the other hand, many people in poorer, rural areas, are happy if they could put food on the table for their familes.

I see great sense in the lives of my dear girlfriends. I also see sense in what that guy friend said. I envy my girlfriends, and I know there are things in their lives that I want for myself that will make me happier. I also know that happiness can come from simple, staple needs being met, it need not be anything lofty. I am reminded that I should be more proactive in my life to get closer to my goals.

Xuanie’s going to daycare!

Yes, Xuanie’s going to daycare starting 9/22, this coming Monday! Found a daycare that makes me feel secure, that he’s gonna be okay, and not just out there having to fend for himself as such a tender little age. Just 3 days a week, about 5, 6 hours a day. It’ll be good for him to learn some independence, some structure, and get socialized.

I prepared a whole menu of what foods to pack for his lunch and snack boxes. I bought some new clothes for him. Still yet to figure out how to label all his “possessions” that I will need to pack for him, to leave at the daycare, and to bring back and forth each day. Quite a project really. I’m nervous, anxious.

As I was shopping for him, I remembered what a fellow mom at a playgroup said about being a mom, that she herself is no longer a priority. It’s always her daughter first. I got come discount coupons, which I used solely for Xuanie’s stuff. There was a cute pair of shoes that I wanted for myself, and each time I went to the store, I tried them on. But, I finally decided that I really don’t need any extra shoes. 

At the back of my mind, I remind myself that I need to also take care of myself, to love myself too, in order to be strong and positive for Xuanie, and myself. Anyhow, it’s a joy to put Xuanie first before myself.

Lacking in Courage/Confidence

Got an email this morning about a potential job offering. I was happy but feared overwhelmed me at the same time. I looked at Xuanie, playing so happily, and fear that moving to a totally new place, without his dad, is going to affect him adversely. I fear I may be so stressed out with coping with the new job, plus having to take care of him single-handedly, that I may lose patience with him more easily. I fear he may not adjust well to all that’s new . . . I want to give up the opportunity. (Most importantly, the nearest church is some 2 hours’ flight away from where the job is, and I am not sure that’s a good idea.)

Coincidentally, I visited a daycare today and was impressed, and the rates were great. Xuanie liked it too. Should I sign him up for part-time “schooling” and socialization lessons, and live another year in limbo?

I am very frustrated with the situation of perpetual unknown, and B. broke the news of the possibility of an even longer length of waiting time for some direction as to where the family may be headed. It’s killing me.

Conceptual knowledge vs Practical act

Xuanie is slowly being weaned. For most days in the past 2 weeks, he’s not nursing in the day, and not during the night, but only once in the morning and before his bedtime. He is slowly understanding it, I believe. I use the names of all the friends he has, and all cartoon characters he knows, and tell him they don’t have “nai nai” (for nursing/breastmilk). He would sometimes just mention these names and then shake his head as he says “nai nai.” Yesterday at the Peabody Museum of Natural History, we saw this huge dinosaur fossil and a smaller one next to it. He pointed to the big one and said “mama” and pointed at me. For the small one, he said “Sha” (for Xuanie) and pointed to himself. Then he said, “nai nai” as he shook his head and pointed at the small dinosaur.

He gets the idea. Now, he just has to actually do it. Same goes for potty-training.

“No, no, no, no.”

Xuanie, like most other babies of his age, is saying “no” all the time now. The good thing, lucky for me, is that he does not say it defiantly. He just likes to say, “no, no, no, no” to most of my questions, and a whole lot of other things.

Love

Xuanie is able to climb onto the sofa and sit down by himself now. Just looking at him sitting on the sofa, like a tiny little package, staring at the TV, makes my heart melt. I just want to hug and kiss him.

He’s trying hard to talk too, making sounds that go into a string, almost like sentences but not in any real language. Of course, he’s expanding the number of words/sounds that he can produce. Just talking with him and listening to him warms my heart.

Today, I accidentally hit him with my leg as I turned around while he came towards me to put his arms around my leg. He cried so hard, thinking that I struck him with intention. He refused to listen to my explanation for a long while. When I finally could explain myself, and told him I loved him, I asked if he loved me. He tried to say “Ai” by saying “Ya,” with a gentle nod. Then he put his arms tightly around my neck.

I thank God for love, for love in my heart, for my child and from my child.